Mourning After Mother’s Day. Why All the Tears?

My mother died in 2004, but mental illness took away her vitality decades earlier.  Years of  heavy duty psychoactive medication left her flat, unable to initiate contact, and barely able to respond.  I remember hearing my six-year-old son say to me,” Why does Grandma look mean?  Is she mad at me?”  I tried as best I could to tell him, “Grandma loves you, but she has a sickness that makes her sad.”

My clients over the last 25 years have told me about similar “mother losses.”.  A mother who used to be the life of the party but now isolates due to dementia. A mother whose mental illness causes her to be incredibly needy and unable to see others’ points of view.  A mother who used to recognize the family but no longer does.

I wish I could change those situations but I can’t.  I’m so sorry that in this world and in your world in particular, you ache for the comfort you desire and need.

Many sources. but friends often offer the greatest consolation. That’s what happened to me when I returned to work after the passing of my mother.

Msoshi, a friend who’d immigrated from the Congo, and I used to communicate in broken French. I wasn’t surprised when he said to me,

“Vous etes triste?” (You are sad?)

“Je suis une orpheline, ” I told him.  That’s French for “I am an orphan.”

“Ma mere es morte et je suis triste” (My mother died and I am sad.)

He looked at me and said nothing for a while as I fought back the tears.  Then he said something that I’ll never forget.  “Vous avez un Pere en ciel.  Dieu est votre parent.”  (You have a Father in Heaven.  God is your parent.)

The ache in my heart didn’t go away.  But it was made bearable by a truth that I’d known in my head but now experienced in my soul.  God would carry me though.  He was–and is–my loving parent.

Have you experienced mother loss?  And if so, what comfort have you found in the midst of grief?